Dilemma of a seeker

 A religious seeker: a pilgrim, or one who aspires to enlightenment, nirvana, salvation or God Realization.

A seeker is like a half baked cake.

One can not make something else out of this uninviting looking soft sticky dough.
 It is neither in molten stage, where it can still be used in making milk shake and nor fully baked into an aromatic, sweet smelling, mouth watering hot cake. But something in- between, where the old stage is lost and another one is far fetched.

One cannot retrieved it to initial stage of separated raw materials, so that something else can be made out of this.
This phenomena is absolutely like a seeker, he has collected and added laboriously all the requisite ingredients, which I have already mentioned many times in my previous posts:
1)Commencing the important task.
2)Road to self enhancement.
3)Under the patronage of guru.

Strangely, all the essential ingredients are added in appropriate proportion and has been churned ferociously to make a nice even fluffy dough, but sadly left aside by Almighty, the ultimate baker, for some unfathomable reason before the final stage of full baking (self realization).
That's the dilemma of a seeker. He feels lost that what went missing, he tried his level best, walked the treacherous path with the constant fear of falling down, because it is very much possible in the spiritual pursuit, one mistake and you are back to initial stage. It is called adhogati ", descending opposite to ascending or pragati
 Essential virtues for a seeker are truth, morality, honesty, charity, humbleness, and compassion. To adept them in one's life, or to live with them, believe me is not an easy task. I can say that because I have been struggling with these issues for the last fifteen years. Sometimes I feel totally lost.
For example, let us start with truth, nobody, absolutely nobody wants to hear and speak it, and if you are doing it, they will automatically came to conclusion that you are lying. And you are left with no option but to keep on justifying your stance. And believe me it is quite painful.
Sometimes it becomes so tiring when you see disbelieve in their eyes, because how much you can argue, it is not going to change their perspective. Either you have to withdraw your point and let the lies wins or keep mum or just ignore and stay hurt. (now the choice is yours). And most of the times the later one wins. "Hurt stays".
I was just like a normal teenager in my youth, felling in and out of love or infatuation.
Then a big change (marriage) happened and I realized that there is nothing like true love or love at first sight, or even compassion in relationships, only the barter system works.
But I do believe in "hate at first sight". No, no my dear, I am not joking, it is very much possible and prevalent in almost every house hold. My experiences are very limited, only to Indian families and as much I have gathered from Pakistani plays that is more found there, poor girls, they are always living in fear and sycophancy.
Only the God knows why there is an eternal tussle to win over the "boy" between bride and grooms's mother, and they leave no stone upturned to win. Here since I had very little armors ( lies, back-lashing, and hypocrisy). My defeat was certain, so I withdrew myself from that war. I do not know why people thinks that "everything is fair in love and war". The only blunder I did was to open my heart or pain in front of every sympathetic ears. I know now, that was really bad and nobody really helped me, to lessen my pain. Here, I do admit, that I blundered and pushed onto the downward path, and unfortunately, I suffered a lot, because those two sympathetic ears which (at least) I thought, turned out to be more vicious and opportunist, so the net result was I was more pained. I think that is what is mentioned in religious books that a person is put into the "boiling oil" in hell. I think to listened to your own insults constantly on your face is nothing less than that. Well I was young and full of bollywood dreams, which were badly and miserably shaken something like 'nailed down on the alter'.
Looking back, I think I can call it churning process as I did not compromised on truth and morality (virtues) against vices of outside world or within family.
At that time, I thought nobody is really worth it, that one should deviate from one's chosen path for them.
But here I am again proven wrong, as there is no duality in this universe: good/bad, truth/lies,honesty/dishonesty so on and so forth, everything is just a part of this whole universe.
 Now, again I feel stuck, like a dough in the pan and waiting anxiously for divine's next sign.
'Signs" are very important for a seeker they are like a guiding star in the total darkness of ignorance.




Good bye friends,
I will be writing my next post on SIGNS.




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